Letters of Saint Gemma Galgani to her confessor, Monsignor Giovanni Volpi

Letters of St Gemma to Monsignor Giovanni Volpi (Part 2)
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Gemma speaks of something to tell her aunt.  She has overcome a temptation with the help of Jesus who reassures her that it is a trial for the glory of the Lord, for the joy of the angels, for her progress and as an example to the others.

            I am too ashamed to tell Ms. Cecilia that bad thing: I have written it now and that is it. I told her today that you want to see her.  I said some things to my aunt: she responded to me that he is a good boy and I am the worst of women.  So I was quiet.
            I however am glad, because Jesus told me that that ugly wretch had bad intentions, [Jesus] freed me and [the wretch] did me no harm.  Be content that I have not committed any sin.  Jesus wants me to tell you to place me in a convent, for then you will understand better certain things which you would like to know.  But do you not see how bad things have come?  He recommended to me: find a shelter so confined that no one will see me any more.  Jesus tells me always that He insists this to you, because I am not to be in this world.
            Bless me and pray to Jesus for the poor,
            If you tell that bad thing to Ms. Cecilia (but please do not tell it to her, find another) tell her not to say anything to anyone in her family, not even to Annetta.  It would be better to tell her something else, I am too ashamed of this.  For charity’s sake, place me away from the world, I cannot be here any longer, do you believe it?
            I often lament with Jesus of the manner He has me in this darkness.  Jesus responds to me that after the darkness comes the light and then it will become truly clear.  “I give you this trial" – says Jesus – "for My glory, for the joy of the angels, and for the profit of you yourself and also as an example to the others.”

The Infant Jesus appears to her, who gives her thousands of caresses and promises to celebrate with her the mystical nuptials when she is in the convent.  He instructs her to tell the Confessor that the moment be hastened.
                                                                                        (November 1899. - Cf. P. GERM. n. XII).
            Yesterday during the usual hour of guard there befell upon me a customary curious thing: upon just beginning it, I fell asleep immediately; it seemed to me to have in my arms a beautiful child of three years; He kissed me, caressed me and asked me if I recognized Him and if I loved Him.  I embraced Him tightly tightly and I told Him that I loved Him.  He asked me if I wanted to be all His, if I wanted to love Him, that soon He would espouse me.  I was so happy, I did not know what to respond.  I had Him tight tight, and I told Him: “If you are Jesus, I will do everything; if not, go away.”  He responded to me that He was Jesus, it was just Jesus as a child.  I told Him that I wanted to go to a convent; He responded: “When you are in a convent, then there we shall be wed; you must tell your Confessor to hasten to the moment of our nuptials.  Tell him that it is not impossible to do that which he knows, rather it is most easy; if he wants, he can do all in a moment.  Assure him that he just contented me, everything he shall ask of me, I shall concede Him everything; if not, I will do all to the contrary.”
            The hour was done, and Jesus embraced me tightly: He did not want to go away, but I however left Him, because I was afraid that He would call me.  He made me promise that I would immediately tell you everything; but as soon as Jesus had left, I had a change of thought, and I did not in any way tell You these things.  So Jesus became angry and told me: “Go to tell your confessor; tell him that if you take care of yourself, and are not neglectful; be certain that for anything the devil will not enter the vocation, and to give him a certain test, and also to punish you for your disobedience, I will leave you alone alone and I will not make Myself seen or felt until your Confessor tells you for Me to return.
            Behold me alone alone since yesterday, but now I have told you everything, I have nothing more; are you content that Jesus returns?
            Bless me, and send back to me Jesus: without Him I am afraid.
She recounts the maltreatment she received from one of the aunts for the issuing blood as a result of the blasphemies of her brother.  She asks again if the Confessor would put her in a convent.
                   (November 1899)
            Do me the charity of coming to confess soon: I have so many things to tell you, and I also wanted to know that which you know.  Do you know what my aunt did to me yesterday evening?  When I arrived home, I went to my room; she came to me angry and told me: “This evening you do not have here your sister Giulia to defend you; let me see from where all that blood comes from you, if not I’ll finish you by force of a barrel.”  I was always quiet, and I made her so angry, that with one hand she had me by the neck and with the other she wanted to examine me; but there was no cause.  In the meantime the bell rang, and she left me.  It was precisely that good aunt, and who really loves me; Jesus permitted it so, so that she would not have truly done so to me.
            But it did not end here; when I went to go to bed, I imagined she would return and I laid on the bed, and I tried to sleep.  She came close to me and told me it was time to stop those deceptions, and that I had given the understanding to many people.  “If it was me, I would not have been tricked so much as your Confessor.  Look – she told me – if you do not tell me where that blood came from, I will not let you leave the house alone, and I will not send you anywhere.
            Imagine: at those words I began to cry and I did not know what to do.  Finally I decided to tell her, and I responded to her like this: “It is the blasphemies which your nephew says.” “And what, the blasphemies make you bleed?”  “Yes, - I responded - in blaspheming I see Jesus who suffers so much, and I suffer with Him, and I suffer to the heart, and that blood comes forth.”  Then it seemed that she calmed down a bit, and she said: “Do only the blasphemies of your brother harm you, or also those of the others?”  “All, - I responded – but there is a beautiful difference: those of his oh how much more do they make me suffer!”  An in saying so I cried much much; and she left me alone.
            Tonight then I have not been able to do anything, because I realized that my aunt never went to bed.  This morning she came quickly to call me to accompany me to S. Michele (which You wanted), and on the street she told me: “Listen, Gemma, do not tell anyone of what occurred between me and you; do whatever you want, be wherever with Mrs. Cecilia instead of with the nuns; it is enough for me that you are at home on Sunday by way of Angelina, for when you are there we also respect ourselves.”  This morning I was good.  I then have much to tell you, but so much; will you tell me when I may come to confess?  I really do need it.
            Bless me and pray for the poor
            Will you put me in a convent?  Do you think of it, I cannot take it anymore?  Place me where You will, for I am content.

Jesus instructs her to tell her Confessor that for Christmas he confines her among the Sisters Servants of Mary; as to that which will happen after, Gabriel will take care of it.  Until the profession the extraordinary things will not occur in her.
                                                                                                                               (December 1899)
            It has already been four days since Jesus told me something which I should have told you, but I was ashamed and I did not say it; but tonight Jesus returned, He asked me: “How long has it been since you have seen Me?”  I responded that it was since Friday night.  “Well, - Jesus said angrily – because you have never wanted to tell that thing to your Confessor, I have been without coming; now I will be here many days to punish you.  If then within today you will not tell it to him, I will not come anymore.”  Last Friday He told me so: I cried so much, He asked me why I was so afflicted; I responded that I was that way because I would have wanted to be in the convent, and that being so I would commit too many sins, and I would not be able to think of Him as I would like.  And Jesus responded to me: “And when do you want to be in the convent?”  “For the evening of Christmas”, I responded.  And Jesus: “Tell it to your Confessor.”  I said: “But, my Jesus, as I say: the Confessor does not believe me, because he fears that you are not truly Jesus, instead You are the devil.”  And Jesus looked at me, and smiled and said: “Tell him that I am truly Jesus; if now I make you both to be all in darkness, it is my will; then one day you both shall see the light.  Tell to your Confessor that he place you in a convent, so much as to lift you from the world, for now more than ever it will be time; for then of that which will happen we will see to…”  And in saying so He conceded to me Brother Gabriel; who appeared to me that he was a bit diverged from Jesus.
            So I said to Jesus that you told me to pray, so that everything would go well, that is the medical certificate, the Confessor, the Archbishop and others.  And Jesus: “These are things which I as Omnipotent could all overcome; but, so much to assure you, for now these will not occur to you all.  Tell the Confessor to go to the Superior of the Sorrowful Sisters, listen to Him, and do that which he tells you, and all of it shall be from my inspiration.”  I repeated to Him more times: “But, Jesus, will I be in the convent the evening of Christmas?  Do You think, My Jesus, - if I do so – it is not an evil desire, it appears to me:  I do so because, first of all to think always of You, and then because the Madonna promised me that she would make me to see the newborn Jesus, and at the precise hour in which He was born, because I asked for it.”  And Jesus: “Well tell your Confessor that if He wants it absolutely, he can.”  “Then after, - Jesus said – then will be the discharge.”  “You will be done, - I responded – I only ask of you: lift me from the world, Jesus; I do not want anything except to save my soul.”

Monsignor Giovani Volpi, St Gemma's confessor
After a tempestuous night Jesus consoles her, assuring her of His help and His benevolence; He complains with her over the way in which the persons of the world treat Him.  Gemma offers herself as a victim for sinners, Jesus asks her for new penances.  Battered by the devil, she is helped and comforted by Brother Gabriel, who speaks to her of the new Passionist monastery in Lucca and confirms that she will be a Passionist.  He moreover promises to come every evening to see and direct her.
                                                                                         (December 1899. – Cf. P. GERM. n. VI).
            I have to tell you something very serious.  I came to tell you, but I could not; so Jesus told me that He would make you know, and if you were content, would do everything at once. 
            Sunday evening, after having passed one of these usual tempestuous nights, I lamented a little saying: “Oh Jesus why don’t you help me anymore?”  And Jesus immediately responded to me: “Oh my daughter, you do not see, but I help you more now than at first.  Oh how much more dear are you to My eyes in this moment [of darkness and suffering], then when I find you in consolation!”  When Jesus told me so, there came to me a great desire to suffer much much more; but this was just a thought, with my mouth I said nothing.  So Jesus told me: “Look, at the manner in which the persons of the world treat me today.  I am strongly indignant with those who offend Me.”  I begged Jesus to have patience, and take it out just on me, by making me suffer much more, because it seemed to me to have strength.  And Jesus told me that the devil always had the permission to batter me.  At this point Jesus said: “To make it recognized more clearly that you will be a daughter of my Passion, I have made you submit to the beatings.  But these will end when you go into a convent.  Besides this I then want from you more penances; you will tell your Confessor that it is my will that from now on you always go barefoot, you wear the rope for life, and that from Thursday evening until the morning of the Sabbath you will never drink; and you will take the discipline twice a day”: once for my sins and the other for sinners.  He told me to tell you everything and if you were content I wanted to do so, for then Jesus would help me.  Monday came soon, but You were not there; so yesterday Jesus cried out at me, because I did not tell you yet, because He wills, if you are content, for me to do everything He has said, immediately.
            Tonight then, after having knocked much (but I would arrive to some other things), I said: “Brother Gabriel, come.”  I said it softly softly, that I do not know how he did it to understand me.  He came at once: he helped me to get up, and I went to sit down.  I however was serious serious, but he smiled and told me: Gemma, why are you so sad?”  I was about to cry, but when I saw that it was him, I responded immediately: “I am a little unhappy, because I would like to become a Passionist, and it appears to me to see certain curious things.”  So I began to cry loudly loudly, and he took me by the hand; and told me: “Be content, blessed daughter; I have told you so many times that you will be a Passionist.  Stop crying, because I must tell you so many things, and I promise not to make you cry after his, because I will leave you consoled in such a way, that whatever shall happen, I will take care of.”
            So then I did not cry anymore.  He took me by the hand and he made me to sit next to him.  He appeared to love me much; he caressed me and said: “Do not fear anything, whatever happens.  The new convent will be built here, in this city, and you will be a Passionist.  It would be easier for the sky to fall, rather than these words not to come true, because they are words which have been referred to me by Jesus Christ.  Read the life of Mother Maria Crucified, and it shall infuse in you so much courage and so much strength, for now you truly need it.  But I said: “They want to put me in the convent of the Sorrowful Sisters, and when I am there I am afraid that they will forget about me.  “I however will not forget about you; I willingly challenge this sacrifice from Jesus; go where the Confessor sends you, because now is not the time to be outside; go to carry the cross a little there, then you will carry it in another place.  I promise every evening after 11 to come to see you, and I will tell you in what way to prepare yourself.  Have courage therefore!  Jesus always makes use of weak people to do great things.  But do not fret: everything shall take place at its time, if you will be good, and you will see yourself always content; I will make use of you, and you however must only speak with the Confessor.  If they ask you then: what is your idea?  Respond: Ask it of Jesus; if He tells you, good; if not, wait.  Jesus and I are not in a rush.
            I told him then that if they put  me in a convent, come when the Superior and the others do not see, because… He said to be secure: he will come, “but no one will see; besides you must tell your Confessor at once, because remember: if you hid from him any one word, I will not make myself seen, and I will leave you, and Jesus will also leave you.”  I promised him that I would always say everything.  He blessed me after I got on my knees; I kissed his vestments and the heart, [Note: the heart emblem of the Passionist order] he kissed me on the forehead, and he repeated to me: “You will be a Passionist; they are the words of God, the will not fail.  If all hell is unleashed for this, still trust in me.  When you shall need me, call me, for I will always come even outside of the prescribed time.  Be courageous, suffer, but in silence.”
            Bless me and pray for the poor
At the thought that on this day she could have been in a convent, she cries much, but is resigned.  Jesus confirms her religious vocation, and manifests how big the grace is.  Gabriel motivates her to sacrifice, telling her that the reward would be very great.
                                                                                                                                   (25 Dec. 1899)
            Forgive me if again I come to importune you with my letter.  This morning, I don’t know what time it was, I heard all of the bells ring; that which I felt in me at that moment, I wouldn’t know how to say it, but I just felt a great desire to cry.  I escaped at once alone to a room to be freer, I cried much, and the cause was because I thought interiorly that today I could have been content and found myself in the service of Jesus in Religion, and instead I found myself in the midst of the world with danger of the soul.  Finally I exclaimed: “Fiat voluntas tua.”  But these tears were not at all of sorrow: they were of resignation.  So, in that moment, more than in any other, it seemed to me that Jesus made me to understand, and it seemed to me to hear it said not to doubt anymore, for the state, of which God wants me, is to be a religious; so a thought (that seemed to me properly just) told me that it’s a great grace this one, and I felt myself to be totally unworthy. 
            I recommend myself to you: Do not tarry any longer, I truly do not merit to have this grace.  I beg you, place me in whatever place of Religion; I will be the servant of all.  I realized well not ever to arrive to merit this favor from Jesus, but He had pity on my poor soul; now it seems to me that it runs through so much danger, and I long so much to save it.
            This evening I await the Infant Jesus: and now whatever day that I do not see or feel anymore, and I feel justly afflicted, I am resigned.  Brother Gabriel told me: “This sacrifice seems hard, but the reward will be great.”
            Bless me and pray so much for the poor

Jesus and Mary
24.) GEMMA TO VOLPI: 1899 (1)
She asks for the favor of the Monsignor to go and hear her confession.
            Would you do me the favor of coming to hear my confession? It has been two days that I have not made a Communion, I am rattled with sins, I am anguished.  I need you so much.  I cannot be here anymore if I do not make Communion.  Would you do me the favor of coming?  I cannot anymore: I am anguished.  Pray for the poor
25.) GEMMA TO VOLPI: 1899 (2)
In a diabolic provocation she is forced to commit an offensive action against the Lord, but she is freed by the Immaculate Madonna.
            I was just desperate, had Jesus not make me to understand everything and I had not won over myself to write everything to you.  After Most Holy Communion I took this resolution to write.
            The morning before last I had just returned from Mass, I went to go make up the room and I saw close to me a handsome young man with very black long hair, barefoot, dressed in white and with a silver belt at the waist.  He came close to me, but from his feet came flashes of fire.  He had in his hands that child who comes into our house with us.  He told me: “Look at me: do you not see how beautiful I am, I am an angel.  Do you want to be beautiful and happy like me?  If you do what I will show you this morning, I will make you happy and beautiful at once.  Are you content?  Look, no one takes care to make you become good and make you content, but I have taken care of it.  Behold me at your orders, love me, obey me and you will be happy.  Do you not know that I am the master of the whole world?  Everything that you want, you shall ask me for, immediately, I will give it to you.”  “And what must I do?”  I responded to him.  “Do you see this baby? Take her and do everything that I tell you.”  “Listen – I told him – if you are really an angel, do not show me evil things.”  “Do you want to know who I am?  I am the Angel of the Lord, everything is in my hands, I come to make you happy, do not think of anything else.”  “But if you are the master of the world you must be Jesus, so you are no longer an angel.”  “I am more than Jesus: do you want to see?”  He took me and had me some time in the air.  “I am the master of your life.  Obey me, if not I’ll kill you!”  “I obey you” I told him.  “Look, take this baby: look at her, touch her and do everything that I will do.”  When I heard this said, I spit in his face, and he remained always composed.  “I sympathize with you – he told me – you have not been accustomed to these things, but after today there is no other, or it is as nothing.  God has pity on you: all the saints, you know, have had these let outs: it is not in the least a sin! By this way, console me: do you not see how beautiful this creature is? (Oh in this moment Jesus helped me truly) You afterwards will not suffer anymore either Friday, nor ever; your hands, your life after his shall not be tormented.  You will be beautiful, you will be happy.”
            I turned to see, but meanwhile I fell on the ground, I did not see anymore, I could not speak anymore.  So that wretch, the master of everything, took my hand; I gave all my strength to free myself, but he was stronger than me.  He did everything to that baby girl, then with the other hand he made me touch… (my God!).  “Mary Immaculate – I exclaimed – make me to die!”  Mary Immaculate, just having been invoked, came: I opened my eyes and I saw her next to me and I saw at the same time a fire which shot altogether with that young man.  After I realized that the whole bedroom was full of ashes.  The Madonna picked me up, embraced me, and told me: “My daughter, do not fear: you will always have in me a special help.”  “Who knows if you had not helped me, what I would have done this morning.  My mother, help me!  Have I offended you?”  And she: “Confess everything and do not be afraid.”  She kissed me and left me.  But if she told me to confess it is a sign that I have offended her. 
            Bless me and pray for the poor
26.) GEMMA TO VOLPI: 1899 (3)
Relationship problems of the aunts with Gemma, as a result of jealousy and other things.
            It is the aunts which appear to me that have become evil, because they say that I love Palmira and Mrs. Cecilia more than them.  They say that with them I have opened myself up, that I have told them everything, and that it was Mrs. Cecilia who put becoming a Passionist into my head.  Yesterday evening, when I returned home, and took me by the throat and put me in front of the crucifix, and wanted me to swear that I had told everything that happens to me to Palmira.
            I just told them the truth: I would suffer voluntarily anything rather than let them know anything because if once I fell asleep in the church with them, they left me alone, or rather by the force of slaps they woke me up, or rather they tell me that they’re afraid that I give at times myself brain. (?) I would be so pleased if you would call her and would tell them to leave me alone voluntarily with Palmira, because how do I remedy it?  They are pleased that I go with Mrs. Cecilia, but they think that it is she who wants me to become a Passionist.  Would it not be good for You to assure her of these things? 
            Tonight I have slept very little.  I was with Jesus always.  I recounted to him everything of mine and it seemed that He told me to continue to do what I do and do so in a way in which no one notices anything in the house; and He told me also that I needed no one to see me, that I be far from everyone, for I am not worthy for anyone to see me.
            Bless me and pray for the poor
            Following that some time back the Superior told me to go there: I don’t know what I should do.  Would you do me the pleasure of telling me by Palmira if I should go there or not?

27.) GEMMA TO VOLPI: 1899 (4)
In this passage of a letter Gemma asks the Monsignor if he had received one of her letters.
            Yesterday morning I sent you a letter, and then yesterday evening you did not say anything to me.  Have you received it?
In the church of the Mantellate Servants of Mary, Jesus repeats to her that it is His will that for now she enter into that convent.  Fury of the devil.
                                                                                                    (December 1899 – January 1900)
            Today I went with Sister Maria; do you know, what Jesus told me, having just entered the church? “My daughter, you must tell your Confessor, for the next day is My feast, I have my hands full of graces to distribute to my children, and I have one for you.  I have already done so to Sister Nazarena, she is already liberated from everything, and you shall tell your Confessor that precisely the following day he must arrange the day that you will enter the convent, properly the following day.  It is here that I want you for now.  Right here.  Tell him I want it to be before Friday.  The following day you will pray, and I will call you to Myself; you will sleep, and no one will be able to wake you until the Monsignor has said: on such day you shall go.”
            Monsignor, I have suffered so much in writing this: the devil did not want me to, he yanked my hair, but nevertheless I have written.  
I am,                                                                                                                                                Gemma
Do not leave Lucca tommorow, for you will have to exert much for me. It is Jesus who tells me so, but You do not believe it.                     

Against the command of Jesus, Gemma did not show the stigmata to Cecilia and Antonietta; but she paid very highly for this fault.  Jesus tells her that at the first disobedience she should commit He would deprive her of the particular gifts; the devil was very happy and Brother Gabriel was grave.  She asks the Monsignor to come and hear her confession.
                                                                                                                                      January 1900
            Not even yesterday was I capable to be obedient, but I paid exceedingly.  How much it appeared to me to be good yesterday, because my hands like the feet had never felt so strongly!  If I took a step I suffered immensely; it was good until three, in the moment that I should’ve gone to pray, I said straightforward immediately to the devil, (?) and I went to bed instead of praying.  Then at the best I sat there.  From that part there began to issue blood, and they begged me, Mrs. Cecilia and Antonietta, to let them see, but there was nothing, and so out of fear that I would be seen by them, I did not pray every, so that from three to five it was continuous disobedience.  But Jesus did not take long, He came and told me (He was angry): “From now on the first disobedience that you commit and also the smallest resistance you commit to obey, at once I shall deprive you of everything, and first I will ask you for an account of the use which you have made of all of these particular gifts.  And not only must you obey your Confessor, but also Mrs. Cecilia.  Remember well: I will take everything and I will be terrible in punishing you, and from morning after Communion I will not concede to you to speak until you have let Mrs. Cecilia see.  How ungrateful you are!  Is it in that way that you wish to give Me glory?  I, look, have been obedient until death, and what a death!  And you, the most shameful, the most wicked of the world, refuse to obey?  Think about it well, my daughter.  What reward I had prepared for you, if today you had obeyed!”
            I wanted to ask pardon, but for Jesus it was useless.  When He went to leave, He looked at me gravely, very gravely and said: “Is it that way, ungrateful daughter, that you show Me your gratitude?  Is that how you love Me? I have given you the most beautiful sign of My love, but you still have given me nothing”, and in saying so He cried, poor Jesus!  As so then it was too much for me to bear.
            Tonight however how content the devil was!  He took me by the hair, he pulled it and told me: “Disobedience! Disobedience! Now there is no more time to turn back.  Come, come with me” and he wanted to take me to Hell.  He was there more than four hours to torment and drag me, and thus is how I passed the night.  Aunt Elisa got up, got up, because she said [that] she heard me cry, and she asked me: what was the matter.  I was almost desperate: I begged her to go to bed, not to awaken the others, but she began to contend with me and with you, and she left.  But this morning she said for me to go to sleep in that dark room which she knows: “That way you will be comfortable, because I need to sleep at night.”  Then, meanwhile she accompanied me to the nuns, it was Mrs. Cecilia, on the street, on the street she slapped me so many times because she asked me in what manner yesterday morning she found blood on the floor in the bedroom.  I responded to her because I cleaned there, we had to leave alone that which I thought, and so then she hit [original Italian word was “bussare” which means “to knock” – This could be slang meaning “to hit” or perhaps meaning that Mrs. Cecilia knocked on the bedroom door as she cleaned] me. 
            But all of this is little for such a disobedient.  Even Br. Gabriel was serious and told me: “Gemma, in this way things are going very badly, no one is content with you” and then he exclaimed: “Obedience: what a beautiful virtue! How it pleases Jesus! And you? Be ashamed.”  What a bad day and night! Today I just could not anymore, I do not have rest, because I feel evil, and then I think: what will Mrs. Cecilia ever say of me who am so disobedient? And she who does so much for me and has so much consideration?  I even made her sweat yesterday and she told me: “If you do not obey, it will end in me abandoning you and I will tell the Monsignor to put you in the hands of someone else and so they will make you obey by force!”  Now these words always come back to me in my mind.  Would she truly do it? I would just be ruined.  Out of charity, Also tell her yourself that I promise to obey her always always, I will not worry her anymore or make her sweat, because I will be obedient.  Tell it to her.  Without You I cannot anymore make Communion.  Today Mrs. Cecilia will take me at four: would you do me the favor, if you an, of coming?
Bless me and pray for the poor
Finding herself at supper with the nuns, she asks the Confessor to let her stay.
                                                                                                                                   (January 1900)
            How would it be if this evening I did not go anymore to my house and I stayed with the nuns? Tell me, make me to enter into the convent: Jesus wants it so, don’t you think? With so many things which happen to me every day, I cannot be in the world any longer.  Don’t send me there to the house this evening, let me enter the convent: Jesus desires it.  Do it, do it.  At least it will test certain things, and it will be apparent if I am always ill, as they say.
            The Superior is content, I asked her.  Lift me from so many bad things.  Bless me and, if you really believe, console me and pray for the poor
            Today I am going to supper with the nuns, but outside; send me inside, for you can.  It appears to me it would be a lesser anguish for You, because Jesus tells me that You are very anguished for me, and you are very sick.
            Or test: let me, do not send me home any longer.  If you know how ill I am, and worse when I am as I am now: when in one place and when in another.  The rest?

She is content to find herself with the nuns.  Speaking with a sister she found in herself so many new sins.  Diabolic vexations to make her leave Communion and meditation.
                                                                       (January – February 1900. – Cf. P. GERM. n . VIII).
            If you knew how content I am! It has already been many days that I have been with the nuns (but always from outside), and also for supper, you know.  Also today I: wash a little, pray a little, and speak a little with the Mother Superior; overall I am very happy.  And then in being with Sister Maria, I begged her that if she recognized in me some sin, to tell me.  She tells me, and if you knew how many of these sins came forward, without me even thinking of it.  I always said I couldn’t find any, but now instead I have found them; and they are many many.
            Now I need to tell You what occurred to me yesterday night.  I never went to bed, but that devil put fear into me in hearing him blaspheme, and I thought he was coming into the room, and it was not possible for me either to sleep nor to pray; I stopped making the meditation in the evening, and I did not even pray from 11 to 12, and I did not ever go to bed.  Then in the morning I arose to go to Church, but it did not seem to me that I could make Holy Communion; I left the church without having made it, but when I went outside, the devil began to laugh loudly loudly; I understood that which he wanted to say, I went in the church and I made the Holy Communion, and Jesus told me that if I had not won that morning, I would not have won anymore, and I would not anymore have been able to communicate.  He told me also for me to be strong to get to the bottom of this little tempest, because shortly we will.  Then I asked Jesus where He had gone at night, why He left me alone.  Jesus responded that He was close to me.
            Then yesterday evening the devil went there again to make me lose the meditation, but I was able to do it.  When I went to bed, there came to me a dong on the bed; I made the sign of the cross, and he came down from the bed and he made a turn to the bed, and then got on top again.  So I took the holy water; then he made another turn for the bed and got on top; so I again took the holy water, I made the sign of the cross: with the mouth he had grabbed the blanket on the bed, but then he left it.  He entered and left always through doors locked with a key.
            There is so much I have to tell you, but I do not know if you want to know.  I ask for your Holy Blessing and pray so much to Jesus for the poor
            Sister Maria would like me to go with her by Giunigi, because she knew that she is my godmother, and she wanted to ask you something for a Madonna of a convent, and she is afraid that You would not be content if I go there.  Tell her yourself what she should do.

She begs him to put her in a convent.  A new torment given to her by Jesus; not being able to pray.  The visit of Jesus, of St. Paul of the Cross and of St. Gabriel immediately put the devil to flight.
                                                                              (January – February 1900. Cf. P. GERM. n. XI).
            Would you do me the charity, would you place me there in the convent? Do you believe it? I cannot be outside anymore.  Put me somewhere: just that it be a convent.  I hardly talk of this, because it has come to boredom for me that bit of suffering which Jesus up until now has given me, and it appears to me that in those days it has increased. No, for this no.  I only desire to leave the world, because I am in danger of offending Jesus and then to unite myself more closely to Him, think of Him alone, meanwhile now… If you knew of how many things I must think!
            I don’t even say any longer that I want to be a Passionist.  I only say: do as You believe, it is enough for me that you place me inside, because of that which will then occur afterwards Br. Gabriel will take care of it.  First Jesus would give me little things to bear, now after all he has added a torment: not being able in any way to pray.  This for me is a true torment.  Tonight to say those 7 Ave Marias which you gave me yesterday as penance, it took me all night: I began them maybe a hundred times, that rascal did not want it; I suffered for it a little, but I finished saying them.  I suffered very much with him, but in the end either Jesus wins, or St. Paul, or Br. Gabriel: it is always them three.  If you could see how fast he goes to escape, when he sees one of these three! But I know, He knows, the reasons why Jesus makes it happen so from the devil.  It has been certain things which I have done: some disobedience, and then… I’ll tell You when I come to confess.  Jesus told me that it was a little bit of time that I was sincere with You, and for this He loved me much; but I did those other things, and He does not love me as much anymore.  Never mind, in the morning He does not even want to come into me anymore, it takes everything to send Him.  But I have regretted so many times.
            Monsignor, for charity’s sake, place me in a convent; I cannot any longer, I will go where You want; do as You believe, but lift me.  I recommend myself to You: lift me up, lift me up, I cannot anymore.
            Bless me and pray so much for the poor


1 comment:

Mark said...

I was pretty stunned when I read this...

"Do you see this baby? Take her and do everything that I tell you.” “Listen – I told him – if you are really an angel, do not show me evil things.” “Do you want to know who I am? I am the Angel of the Lord, everything is in my hands, I come to make you happy, do not think of anything else.” “But if you are the master of the world you must be Jesus, so you are no longer an angel.” “I am more than Jesus: do you want to see?” He took me and had me some time in the air. “I am the master of your life. Obey me, if not I’ll kill you!” “I obey you” I told him. “Look, take this baby: look at her, touch her and do everything that I will do.” When I heard this said, I spit in his face, and he remained always composed. “I sympathize with you – he told me – you have not been accustomed to these things, but after today there is no other, or it is as nothing. God has pity on you: all the saints, you know, have had these let outs: it is not in the least a sin! By this way, console me: do you not see how beautiful this creature is? (Oh in this moment Jesus helped me truly) You afterwards will not suffer anymore either Friday, nor ever; your hands, your life after his shall not be tormented. You will be beautiful, you will be happy.”

I turned to see, but meanwhile I fell on the ground, I did not see anymore, I could not speak anymore. So that wretch, the master of everything, took my hand; I gave all my strength to free myself, but he was stronger than me. He did everything to that baby girl, then with the other hand he made me touch… (my God!).

Am I understanding this correctly that the devil had actually tempted St. Gemma to molest that vision of a child? If so, her redemptive suffering has taken on a truly terrifying aspect. Perhaps God had allowed her to be so tempted as to make reparation for those who commit such sins. If so, she would be the perfect patroness for those who have experienced sexual abuse.

Anyway, thank you so much for this site. It has helped me tremendously. God Bless.